i seem to be good at the random thing

There are times when i know that i am truly beautiful. I look in the mirror and i can’t look away because i can barely recognize the person staring back at me. just…beautiful. I know that there are people in my life that think i feel this way about myself all of the time. i dont. I act like i do, but i dont. And why do i act like i feel beautiful all the time? because…who really wants to be around one of those people who is constantly putting themselves down in a none-too-subtle way of fishing for compliments? not me…so why would i be that kind of person? so most of the time, i feel like crap. i feel like i look like crap, like i AM crap. and i crave those times when i feel like i’m on top of the world. a doctor would call it mania, i just call it happiness. there is nothing better than happiness.

i wrote a book, you know. but you dont know. and you dont know that i actually wrote two books. pretty much simultaneously. when i was seventeen. and they’re good. one of them even won an award from scholastic books. and what’s happening with these books now? nothing. why? because i am afraid. It has been three years since i won that award and i am afraid to do anything with it. because i fear rejection. and i know that it doesnt make sense, that it has already been accepted. accepted as what? i dunno…i want to say good. i want to say worth something. but i cant. i dont feel good enough about myself to.

i want to be able to do something with this (dare i call it) gift that i have. i want to be unafraid of it. i want to unleash myself upon the world and leave it only wanting more. but i am afraid. and it is crippling. i should have written my book proposal by now. b threatened to shave my head if it wasnt done by the new year…and the only reason i still have my hair is because she lost the paper that she made me sign. that’s also the reason that i signed it in the first place, i knew that she would lose it. but that doesnt change the fact that i should have done it. that i’ve developed a somatoform writer’s block because of the damn thing, which is why i’m keeping this blog in the first place-to keep me writing. and i’ve been reduced to writing half assed reviews of whatever tickles my fancy. there is something wrong with me.

something wrong with me. a year ago…a year ago i would have quoted myself to myself after saying those words, but now…what business do i have quoting someone who has no follow through?

wow…that was bleak.

you know what else i do instead of writing my book proposal like i should? i write fanfiction. really weird fanfiction. like, the kind that takes two types of fanfiction and squishes them together. my favorite kind to write is Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossing over with Harry Potter where Buffy and Spike are all in love (with maybe a little angst) and Hermione is with Draco, Harry is with Ginny, and poor Ron is with whomever i throw him with if he’s with anyone at all. And this might mean nothing to you because you have no clue what i’m talking about. but that’s okay, just believe me when i say that i’m weird. but Buffy and Harry Potter and like, the two fandoms that i am completely obsessed with. I own all seven seasons of Buffy on DVD, and i need to start collecting the Angel series because i need to own the fifth season of Angel because Spike is in it, and Spike is HOT. I’ve seen every episode about a billion times, and can quote it like nobody’s business. I can tie Buffy to anything in real life, and i can do the same thing with Harry Potter too. I cant even count how many times i’ve read those books. it’s sick.

This is another one of those random posts…lets see where else my brain is going to take this.

You know what else i love to read? The Vampire Chronicles. Those books by Anne Rice that start with Interview with The Vampire. And i read Anne Rice’s Mayfair Witches books. I love the first witch book, The Witching Hour…it is written so wonderfully. And in it there is the whole history of the Mayfair family, and it’s a book within a book, and it’s marvelous. It’s like reading something that actually happened, and sometimes i get so lost in it that i forget it’s fiction. That is my mark of a good writer, that even when they are writing something fantastical i can still get so caught up in it that i believe it’s real.

I think my last post…or the post before dealt with my fear of death, and how i wanted to be a vampire and live forever. And now i’m talking about vampires again. it’s not some sick obsession. i dont walk around in all black with a cape and attempt to drink blood. I’m not scary. I just think that since i fear death so much, i envy creatures (fictional as they may be) who get to live forever. it’s sort of like a coping mechanism, i guess.

Alright…so, another really random post

~ by warwick on January 19, 2008.