lately…

lately, i have been thinking a lot about death. morbid much, i know, but i cant seem to help it. i think about it most when i’m lying in bed at night. all of a sudden it hits me, this overwhelming fear about death and dying and that it’s an eventuality and not something that i never have to worry about and it freaks me out. i’m having panick attacks over it. jon says that i’m coming to terms with my mortality. i say, fuck that bullshit!!! are there any vampires out there willing to vamp me? Because i never want to die. Dying is my biggest fear. There is nothing else on this earth that inspires so much by way of the cold sweat and chilling nightmares as knowing that one day i’m going to die. that one day, the people i love are going to die.

i dont know if i really believe in God. and if i do, i dont know if i want to spend the rest of eternity in heaven. I mean, i would rather live forever on earth, where people can be flawed and interesting things happen all the time, as opposed to some place where there is a twenty four seven holy chorus soundtrack playing. Is there sex in heaven? Is there drinking and swearing and dancing in parking lots at one o clock in the morning? i dont think so. i think it’s more like being in church for eternity. and that’s to say if heaven even exists. and yeah, i know there are other options are far as other religions believe. there is reincarnation…but do i want to be reincarnated? no…you dont remember who you were, you dont remember that you were once alive and that you once loved and that you once were someone completely different…so what’s the point? i’d want to remember myself. remember who i am, because most of the time, i sort of love myself and my life. i dont want to forget the people around me, my friends and family and jon and my pets. that would suck. so it all boils down to…i dont want to die. i want to stay pretty much the same age i am now forever. i dont want to get old. i dont want to get sick. i dont want to die.

why am i so afraid of death? because i dont know what happens next. i dont know what happens to me other than my body being thrown into the ground. i dont know if i will go to heaven, or if i’ll be reincarnated, or if maybe death really is the end. if after that there is nothing, not even blackness, because my conciousness will not have survived to see the blackness of eternity. i just, i never want to have to die. it scares me more than anything.

my dad is sick. end stage renal failure. he is only fifty years old. my dad is going to die. he will not get a kidney transplant because the doctors wont put him on immunosupressants because that would kill him too. so my dad is going to continue going to dialysis until the day he dies. and that isnt as far away as it should be. i love my dad. i am the ultimate daddy’s girl. he is my oldest friend, and i dont know what i’m going to do without him. when i think that one day he is going to be gone, my mind sort of shuts down. it hurts so much to think of. i worry that he wont be around to see me get married, or have children, or finish growing up. i get scared that he wont live to see me get published. i get scared that he wont live. and that’s it. i dont want him to have to die ever, either. if there was a way that i could trade my life for his, i would. because the world just wont be the same without him. and i dont know anyone other than my father who i would want to walk me down the aisle. i love my dad so much. i sometimes feel like, there wont be a world left when he isnt around anymore. there wil be no more sun.

i’m just afraid. and it sucks to be afraid. there is no eloquent way to say it, it just sucks to be afraid. it sucks to not know. it sucks sucks sucks. and i worry about it. i worry about dying, and i worry about my father dying, and i cry and i get worked up about it and i dont sleep because i freak myself out to the point where i’m afraid to close my eyes because they might not open again. because you never know. and i seriously would rather be a vampire. and i’d make my dad a vampire and i’d make jon a vampire because then they would never have to die either and i couldnt live without them. and i’d just slowly make a whole bunch of vampires so that all the people i love could be around forever. and i know that seems weird, but i would. lots o vampires.

~ by warwick on January 17, 2008.